May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, town Traditionally noted for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely from area. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable water. But Sure, positive, let us have A different location where American Gentlemen can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer Every person a set within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often gentle electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he should end employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the undertaking, replied, "You know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head seen from space, a attribute currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after finding the creating's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not just unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Features


Probably the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "If You Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Permanently."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "in which's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will also include:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort exactly where my PTSD may have transform-down services."


A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican Trump Tower Damascus has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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